I DON'T WANNA MARRY
/* Anudeep talking to his mother on the phone in the balcony */
Anudeep: Areyy merko nahi karni hai shaadi mai keh-. . .
Anudeep: Hmm.
Anudeep: Hmm.
Anudeep: Areyy yaar.
Anudeep: Haan
Anudeep: Nahi papa ko nahi! Papa ko nahi!!
# He takes a deep breath
Anudeep: Haan.
Anudeep: Itni bhi Kya jaldi ho rahi hai shaadi ki??
Anudeep: Late!?! Are kahan late hua hai? Yeh kya hua achanak se aap log ko??
Anudeep: Mai nahi aa raha Chennai! Mujhe nahi milna kisi ladki wadki se
Anudeep: Arey nahi aa sakta! Nahi milegi chutti!
Anudeep: Aap log ko-. . .
Anudeep: Hmm.
Anudeep: Hmm.
Anudeep: Areyy. . .
Anudeep: Hmm.
Anudeep: Hmm.
Anudeep: Thik hai, phir eak kaam karo aap hi kar lo shaadi usse.
Anudeep: Thik hai?
Anudeep: Bye.
# Hangs up & walks into the living room
# Kabi is on the couch watching Wimbledon
Kabi: Ladka ghodi chadne wala hai!? Kya baat hai!… Mujhe toh bulayega na?
Anudeep: Ehh! chup.
Kabi: I think you should get married.
# Anudeep takes a deep breath in frustration
# HE walks in to the house from office
Anudeep: Finally you’re here, ab khana milega.
HE (With a blank look): I’m the one cooking tonight?
# Comes and sits on the couch
Kabi: You better. Mujhe bhooka nahi marna.
HE: Fine, whatever.
Anudeep: Kya hua? Office stress?
# HE takes a deep breath
HE: You know Sahitya right!? The new chick on the infra team
Anudeep: Yeah.
HE: She comes to me and tells me “we have a dependency on your team, our testing is blocked because of that.”
HE: Well, in that case, I would need more information. Nothing was communicated to me. She says ‘okay’ and sends me a screenshot of stage1 issue.
HE: Stage1 goes down all the time!! How is that a dependency on our team!?! Later I spoke to their tester and he told me that purchase control service was throwing an error. And I am like, “ohh! You should’ve told me that! That makes so much more sense now!”
HE: You can’t just shoot me a screenshot and say, “hey our testing is blocked because of you.” I mean bloody hell . . .
Anudeep: You know she’s new right, she’s still finding her feet.
HE: I get it! But don’t just bombard me with stuff you clearly have no idea about.
HE: The other day she comes to me and says, “we cannot install spunk monitors in perf environment because you guys haven’t set up logging for user security service. Could you let me know when you guys are planning on doing that?”
HE: Areyy ask my project manager!! Why are you asking me all this stuff?!?!
Anudeep: Yeah that I agree... then didn’t you tell her that?
HE: I did!
Kabi: Maa chudane de. Mai kya bolta hun tu mast chole bana, usse na mind clear hota hai.
HE: 😑
Kabi: Arey sacchi! Mother promise.
HE: Fir toh sacch hi hoga
# HE gathers his stuff and goes to his room to fresh up
# Kabi gets back on his iPad
# Anudeep starts doodling his phone
Anudeep: Yaar yeh wsjf planning kya hota hai?
Kabi: Tum log bhi agile use kar rahe ho?
Anudeep (reluctantly): Haan yaar! yeh naye project me use ho raha hai. Toh stories elaborate karne se pehele features decide karne padege, uske liye kuch wsjf planning karna hai.
Kabi: Scaled Agile?
Anudeep: haan
Kabi: Terko actually itna depth me samjhne ki zarurat nahi hai. Basically, sare project efforts ko breakdown kiya jata hai, all the product owners, business leaders, senior consultants and the RTE meet up to prioritise the features based on different factors
Anudeep: What factors?
Kabi: Uhmm… Like… total cost, impact on customers, duration of the project, etc.
Kabi: uss basis pe weighted shortest job first nikalte hain, par kaise nikalte hain wo nahi pata.
Anudeep: Terko kaise malum yeh sab?
Kabi: wahi toh kehe raha hun, kaise karte hain prioritise nahi pata.
Anudeep: haan par itna bhi kaise pata?
Kabi: Arey wo toh planning k time kiya jata hai na aur mai project k start me kafi design meetings me raha hun isliye thoda bahut pata hai.
Kabi: but you probably might not be a part of that meeting, are you?
Anudeep: No.
Kabi: Toh tera current project?
Anudeep: It’s done. Agle mahine prod me final code release kar denge, uske baad bas customer related bugs pe kaam karna hoga agar hua toh. Portal is already up and running.
Kabi: Achaaa *nodding *… Sahi hai.
# Sid calls Kabi on FaceTime
# Kabi answers
Kabi: Kya rey! Kaam dhanda nahi hai kya?
Sid: Yaar! Aaj Product Owner milne ayi thi rey pure team se.
Kabi: Milne ayi thi matlab? Work from home karti hai kya?
Sid: Haan. Singapore se wo bhi
Kabi (impressed): Ohhh… kya baat hai.
Sid (blushing): Pyaari hai rey bahut!
Anudeep: Eh Ehh! Khushi toh dekho launde k chehere pe.
Kabi: Single hai?
Sid: Jabhi job k liye interview diya tha toh ussi ka linkedin dekha tha sabse pehele. Tab se bas uski display pic hi dekhi hai.
Kabi: Single hai kya?
Sid: Pata nahi yaar. Linkedin pe toh minimum 15 saal ka experience hai.
Kabi: Haan.. toh fir married ya divorcee hogi.
Sid: Hmm
Anudeep: Ya phir single mom.
Kabi: Naam kya hai?
Sid: Catherine. Yaar uski aawaz badi sahi lagti hai merko call pe.
Sid: Upar se photo bhi mashallah dali hai
Kabi: Good for you
Sid: Par reality bhi pata hai na. Kahan milna hai yeh sab
Sid: First of all, wo toh saadi gaali aati bhi nahi. Aaj achanak pata nahi kaise aa gayi?
Anudeep: Shayad yeh kudrat ka ishara hai tere liye?
Kabi: Khuda usko teri chaukhat pe laya hai
Sid: Agar khuda itna hi kar raha hai, toh usse yeh bhi bulwade ki, “Sid mujhe sirf tu chaiye”
Sid: Kasam khuda ki puri raat pyaar dunga
Kabi: Ab tu khuda ki achai ka fayada utha raha hai.
Sid (singing): “Khuda kabhi tujhe pyaar hoga. Juda kabhi tera yaar hoga. Khuda jaane kya tu faaslo ka hai yeh dard kya.”
Anudeep: Sahi hai, ekdum. Aise hi gaa uske saamne.
Sid: wahi soch ra hun
Sid: Aawaz bhi achi hai meri
Kabi: chup! 😑
-- IN HIS ROOM --
# HE walks out of the bathroom, grabs his phone and sits on his bed scrolling through his notifications
# HE opens his messages and starts drafting HER a text
“I am really sorry for the way I spoke to you the other day, but please at least pick up my call.
Talk to me.
Office me sahi me kuch issues chal rahe hain, jis wajah se dimaag kharab ho rakha tha.
I wanted to talk to you about it but… I guess… it came out the wrong way.
Mujhe thoda time de… please!”
# HE sends it and stares at the screen
# HIS father calls
HE: Hello!! Good evening!
Papa: Good evening! Aur kaisa chal rha hai sab?
HE: Bas abhi thodi der pehele office se aya, shower liya. Abhi khana banane ja ra hun.
Papa: Abhi tak khana nahi banaya!?
HE: Nahi
Papa: Bahut late karte ho yaar tum log.
HE: Usually itna late nahi karte hain par pichle kuch hafto se office me kaam zyada ho gaya hai
Papa: ohh… okay.
HE: Aapne kya khaya?
Papa: Bhindi, chapathi aur boondi ka raita
HE (surprised): Bhindi!!!? Bhindi kaise kha li aapne!
Papa: Haan aaj kal thoda thoda sab kuch kha raha hun.
HE: Kya baat hai! Healthy living.
Papa: You know, Nadal lost to Djockovic in the finals yesterday. Did you watch it?
HE: Yeahh, I read about it but I didn’t watch it.
# HIS phone vibrates
# HE looks at HIS phone.
# Its HER text, “Come home tomorrow after work”
HE: 😃
HE: Haan kya kehe rahe the aap?
Papa: Thandi bad rahi hai ab. Yesterday it was 8 degree celsius
HE: Haan, thand toh badne wali hai ab
-- X --
Comments
Post a Comment