KAISI HAI TU

' ' ' Playing football is simple. Playing simple football is the hardest thing of all ' ' '

-- Johan Cruyff

 /* Kabi and Anudeep are in the car and get to the traffic signal, there’s a car in front of them and on the back it says ‘Urvi’ */

Anudeep: Ohh yeh Urvi ki gaadi hai!

Kabi: Tu janta hai Urvi ko?

Anudeep: Nahi

Kabi: Toh aise kya bol ra hai, “ohh yeh Urvi ki gaadi hai!”

Anudeep: Tu janta hai Urvi ko?

Kabi: Nahi

Anudeep: Toh tu itna curious kyun hai?

Kabi: Mai utna hi curious hun jitna tu hai.

Anudeep: Haan lekin thoda sa zyada.

Kabi: Nahi

Anudeep: Thoda sa zyada

Kabi: Nope

Anudeep: Arey, pehele pata kar Urvi hot hai ya nahi.

# Kabi looks at him 

# Lights turn green and the car ahead turns left

Anudeep: Areyy yaar! Kismat me hi nahi hai!

Kabi Chod na! Aage ek aur signal hai.

# They keep driving for a while

# Anudeep gets a notification in his phone

Anudeep: Dortmund won the DFB Pokal, did you hear about that?

Kabi: Haan.. kal raat tha na match? 

Anudeep: Haan aur Sancho do goal mara.

Kabi: I think he’s gonna leave Dortmund next season..

Anudeep: God no! I hope not.

Kabi: It’s quite likely though, Man United have been sniffing around for sometime. I think they’ll scoop him up this transfer.

Anudeep: He needs to stick with Dortmund if he wants to achieve big things and I hope he understands that..

Anudeep: Lets break it down.. Bayern are not interested in him, even if they were where would he fit? so that’s out of the cards.

  There’s obviously no point going to Barca, Messi’s gonna leave at the end of the season :( and it’s only downhill from there. It’ll take them a few years to get back to their best. 

Anudeep: You have an ageing squad at Real and anyway their priority this season is Mbappe. I’m very certain they’re going all out for him this transfer market.

Kabi: Yeah, they’ve been planning for him for a couple of years now. 

Anudeep: Hmm. And Manchester United.. Pfff.. For the last 4 years they’ve been trying to fool us that they’re one of the best teams around. Their biggest achievement has been finishing 2nd in the PL and even today they are second, and they’re not going any higher cuz.. Man City. 

Kabi: They won the Europa league..

Anudeep: Congratulations. 

Anudeep: Their problem is they don’t trust the process. They want trophies and they want them now. It doesn’t work like that. 

Anudeep: The team’s not doing well, sack the manager. The team’s not doing well, get a $100mil striker. Who’s the most average defender out there? Here, 80mil, we’ll have that. 

Kabi: 😁

Anudeep: These things take time, you need to trust the squad. Give the young player a chance, experiment a little bit. Look at Liverpool, look at Leicester. 

Anudeep: So he obviously shouldn’t be thinking about United, if he loves his football lol.. He’s only going to be another wasted talent there. Chelsea is not an option, they just spent over 200 mil pounds last summer rebuilding their squad and I’m not even gonna talk about  Man City. He doesn’t wanna make the same mistake as Pogba.

Kabi: Hmm, but why Dortmund?
Anudeep: Why not!!

Anudeep: They have a good manager, a strong project, young players. The fans love him, players love him. He’s in the best form of his life. He’s only 21! He’s got so many years ahead of him. His priority should be to keep improving his game, scoring goals and assists. The big bucks will follow..

Kabi: But then.. 

Kabi: If Mbappe goes.. He’s got PSG as an option.

Anudeep: I know but..

Anudeep: You have Neymar there. No matter how well he plays he’s always going to be in Neymar’s shadow. Does he really want that? When he can define the future with Halland!

Kabi: Nonsense! Harry Kane will define the future.

Anudeep: Last trophy kaunsa jeeta usne? 

Kabi: Okay fine, but.. Halland ka bhi toh.. his future is also up in the air, right!?

Anudeep: Yeah, that’s why I am saying both of them should just stay put in Dortmund and trust the project.. and good things will happen. 

# Silence

Kabi: But as usual, next season Halland will go to Barca

Anudeep: And Sancho to United 😑 

Kabi: That’s modern football for you. Par tujhe toh khush hona chaiye Halland Barca aya toh!

Anudeep: Yeah, but not at the expense of Messi. 

— IN HIS BEDROOM —

/*  He’s in his room, standing in front of the mirror looking at his beard. She’s sitting on the bed texting her friend */

HE: Yaar mujhe apni daadi kaatni hai.. 🙁

# Taking one glance at him 

SHE: Kyun? Sahi toh lag rahi hai.

HE: Nahi yaar, unmanageable ho jata hai aur fir itching bhi hone lagti hai.

SHE: Toh kar lena abhi?

HE: Trimmer Anudeep k room me hai.

SHE: Mai le ayun?  

HE: Usko charge karna padega.

SHE: Toh charge hone k baad kar le?

HE: Bahut mehenat hai

SHE: Tere pas har cheez ka answer hai!

HE: Heeh 😬

# HE goes and sits on his chair  

# SHE gets back on her phone

HE: Kal karunga, yeh sab kaam sunday k liye hote hain. 

# HE starts working on something on his office laptop 

SHE: Arey yaar yeh Ruchi Anantha k tab se text aa rahe hain. Kitna maza kar rahe hain yeh log 😞.. trekking gaye, abhi lunch k liye jaa rahe hain. Mujhe bhi jana tha 🥺

HE (while working on his laptop): Tu kyun nahi gayi fir? 

SHE: Ankle sprain ho gaya na! 😤

HE: Oh haan, sorry!

SHE: Toh maine socha tere saath hi time spend kar lun.

HE: Arey wah! itni meherbaani! 

SHE: Haan daya aa gayi tere pe.

HE (staring into his laptop): Terko pata hai, jab insaan k life me purpose nahi hota na, tab wo depression me chala jata hai. 

SHE: Hain?

HE: But You have to go through the hard part, to get to the good part.

SHE: Kya?

HE: Insaan apne se zyada apno ki bare me sochta hai but.. kabhi kabhi wo kho jata hai. 

SHE: Hello? Mirza Ghalib.. Kya?? 

# Turns to HER

HE: 😔.. yaar, I have to talk about depression and mental health at work.

SHE: Yeh kaisi meeting hai!? 🧐

HE: Wo all hands meeting hai na-

SHE: Ohh, I see.

HE: they have a topic every year and one guy is chosen at random to speak about it. Yeh saal mera naam aa gaya 😤

SHE (sarcastic): What were the odds huh?

# She gets a notification on her phone

SHE: Ab yeh log pics daal rahe hain! Arghh 😠

HE(curious): Mujhe bhi dikha.

# He jumps onto the bed  

HE: Who all went? 

SHE: Ruchi, Anantha, Aashi aur.. Parag

HE: Parag like, Pan Parag? 

SHE: Nahi, Parag saree. 😒

# She swipes through the pics

SHE: Actually Anantha ne hi plan banaya tha, he’s the one who’s into trekking and all. Mai aur Aashi toh kehe rahe the k mov-

HE: Ek minute, Anantha ladka hai?

SHE: Kyun aise sabko doubt hota hai? Haan, Anantha ladke ka naam hai!

HE: 😳 Aisa atrangi naam?

SHE: Areyy!

HE: Okay okay, fine.  

# They go through the pics

HE: They’re all in HR?

SHE: Parag and Aashi are in accounting, Ruchi is with me in HR and Ananthaaa.. He’s in IT dept, like you.  

HE: I’m in Technology Services not IT dept. Wo alag hota hai. 

SHE: How?

HE: Wo laptop wagera repair karta hai. Configuring, re-imaging, windows setup.. wo sab IT dept karta hai. I’m in software development.

SHE: Haan thik hai. Lekin IT dept ka kaam bhi aasan nahi hai. 

HE: Maine kab kaha aasan hai. Mere se toh ek speech nhi likhi ja rhi. I told my manager nhi hoga mere se, fir bhi keheta hai, “you won’t know until you try” 😒

SHE: Very good! Aise hi hona chaiye tere saath. 

HE (gossipingly): Terko pata hai mera manager Honda Amaze chalata hai 😛 And why is it called Honda Amaze?.. what’s so amazing about it?

SHE: Aise difficult sawal mat pucha kar.

HE: Aur color bhi black.. shii

SHE: Black me kya kharabi hai?

HE: At least matt finish toh kar deta. 

SHE (rhetorically): Matt finish!?!.. Honda Amaze!!?.. 5 lakh ki toh gaadi hai.

HE: Isiliye toh puch ra hun, amazing kya hai iss gaadi me!?

SHE: Amaze chalao, khud jaan jao.

HE: Please merko help kar na! Speech me! 😖

SHE: Why don’t you start with something positive? Something like... 🤔.. like.. You cant fix the past. You can't see the future. Might as well live in the present and have some faith.

HE: Hmmm...hmm...or maybe something like.. You know what the saddest part about life is, the people you had the best memories with, become a memory. But that's life, what can you do about it. 

# she looks at him in disgust 

SHE: Tu itna depressing kyun hai?

HE: 😔

SHE: Manager ko bol de nahi hoga tujhse. You’re too depressed to give a speech about depression 🤣

HE: Kaisi hai tu 😁

— ANUDEEP AND KABI IN THE CAR —

/* Anudeep and Kabi arrive at Krishna Bhavan and pull up outside */

Anudeep: Itne dino k baad sambar idli khane milega!!

# They get a seat and place the order

Anudeep: Yo! I watched the entire cell saga yesterday.. purane din yaad aa gaye. 

Kabi: that one's a classic man!

Kabi: Gohan just destroying Cell by himself.

Anudeep: Well, he did get a helping hand from Vegeta in the end. 

Kabi: Yeah but still, you cant take anything away from Gohan. That was all him!

Anudeep: Those days.. Dragon Ball Z videos with Linkin Park music in the background 😍

Kabi (excited): I know!!! Numb, Faint, Breakin’ the hab-

Anudeep: Breaking the habit yaar!

Anudeep: I used to listen to that on repeat all day!

Kabi: Me too!!

# both of them just thinking to themselves

Kabi: But my all time favorite has always been Frieza saga.

Anudeep: Really?

Kabi: I mean how can beat that! That was the first time we ever saw Goku turn into a super saijan!

Anudeep: Yaar Dragon Ball Z thik hai lekin Dragon Ball kya hai? I never really understood!

Kabi: Its basically Goku’s growing up years with Master Roshi and his fight with Raditz. 

Anudeep: Achaaa.

Kabi: Haan par Cartoon Network ne wo starting k scenes kabhi dikhaye hi nahi. Everybody just remember’s his fight with Raditz. 

Anudeep: Then where does Dragon Ball Z start?

Kabi: Vegeta saga, Frieza saga, Cell saga, they’re all Z. 

Anudeep: Hmmm.

Kabi: Then GT, then Super. 

Anudeep: Then what about Buu saga?

Kabi (realizing): Haann, that’s also Z.

Anudeep: Chal yeh bata. Vegeta aur Goku ka super saiyan 4 fusion kaunsi series me hota hai?

Kabi: GT, simple. 😑

Anudeep: Hmmm.

Kabi: Besides Goku and Vegeta, which character did you like the most?

Anudeep: Mr. Popo 😄

Kabi: 😄

Anudeep: I actually liked Majin Vegeta. lol

Kabi: Majin Vegeta 🧐

Anudeep: Yeahh.. something different. for once it felt like he can finally take on Goku. lol

Kabi: I really liked Goten and Trunks fooling around in Super.

Anudeep: 😁 faltu ka fusion karte rehete the! 

Kabi: wo scooby do me scrappy do tha na? Waise. 

# Kabi spots a chick at the counter who’s wearing his university’s soccer team shirt

Kabi: Ruk ek minute mai aya

# He gets up and walks towards her. Anudeep turns to look  

Kabi: Sorry to interrupt you like this but.. I couldn’t help but notice your shirt.

Girl: that’s fine

Kabi: Did you graduate from there?

Girl: No, actually.. I just got a job to coach the soccer team there. I got it a couple months ago. 

Kabi: Ohh that’s cool!

Kabi: I actually graduated from there, back in 2012. 

Girl: Really? That’s nice.

Kabi: So are you from around here?

Girl: No I was just visiting my cousin, fly back tomorrow. 

Kabi: Ah, okay. Cuz I don’t see too many people from my college here. So it's a wonderful surprise. 

Girl: Oh, really? Thanks. 

Kabi: Yeah. So.. how you liking it so far? 

Girl: I haven’t really found the time to explore, but yeah it’s a huge campus. 

Kabi: It really is. You’ll have to take some time out to explore it completely. So, are you a proper coach or.. or like the throw-in coach, defense coach, something like that?

Girl: Yeah, I’m a goalkeeping coach.

Kabi: Nice! So I won’t be able to put anything past you huh? lol

Girl: Haha, I used to play but it’s been sometime.. I haven’t. 

Kabi: Obviously, you gotta come up with the tactics now. That’s what they’re paying you for lol

Girl: Yeah lol

Kabi: You know I’ve thought about getting the college t-shirt, but they’re soo expensive on the university website.

Girl: Yeah, I think you can get them for a cheaper price on Amazon. 

Kabi: You're right! I did check them out.

Kabi: So do you also watch soccer or just like to play?

Girl: Uhmm, I used to watch it, but now I just watch it sometimes.. I liked Bayern Munich growing up. 

Kabi: Really?

Girl: Yeah, what about you?

Kabi: Tottenham! 😊 

Kabi: Through and through.

Girl: That’s cool.

Kabi: Well I’ll let you go now. But it was nice talking to you!

Girl (extending to shake hands): Same here. What’s your name?

Kabi: Kabilan.

Girl: Smriti 😊

# She walks out and Kabi comes back to his seat

Anudeep: Number mila?

Kabi: Nahi 🙁

Kabi: Maine manga hi nahi

Anudeep: Fir kaise chalega 

Kabi: Wo bhi toh mang sakti hai.

Anudeep: Ladki log number nahi mangti rey. Why you such a noob kabi?

Kabi: That’s why I love Vegeta. 

Anudeep: Hain?

Kabi: I’m not perfect, I have a little bit of pride and I don’t understand women!

Anudeep: You think Goku does! 😑

Kabi: No but.. He’s this perfect being that no one can ever become, you can only be born with it. 

# Anudeep stares at him blankly

Anudeep (defensive): Goku bhi mehenat karta hai thik hai 😑

— IN HIS BEDROOM —

/* They are scrolling through Netflix */

HE: 2 States?

SHE: Arjun Kapoor for 2 hours?? 😒 Please.

HE: Kapoor and Sons?

SHE: Dekhi hai

HE: Uhmmm…

SHE: Jaane tu ya jane na! 😃

HE: Uhmm… Half Girlfriend?

SHE: Arey tu!!-

SHE: Shraddha Alia k aage toh badh!

HE: Uhhh

#Starts scrolling again

SHE: terko alia zyada pasand hai ya shraddha?

HE (casually): dono

SHE: dono kaise mil sakti hai?

HE: Mere sapne me milti hai

HE: ab terko sapne me Vidyut Jamwal nahi milta kya?

SHE: Uski kuch zyada hi body hai. That’s too much for me.

HE: Acha thik hai.. Ryan Gosling!?

SHE: But he’s married na.

HE: Arey tujhe kya achar dalna hai uski marriage ka.

HE: Tu sapne bhi conditions laga k dekhti hai kya?

SHE: Just saying 😒

HE: Conjuring dekhe kya?

SHE: Afternoon me?

HE: Usse kya farak padta hai? Tu toh waise bhi daregi.

SHE: 😑

SHE: Yaar, merko pizza khane ka mann ho ra hai.

HE: Toh fir masala dosa ka kya? Kabi leke toh aa ra hai.

SHE: But I haven’t had pizza in a while 😔 and I’m craving it right now.

HE: Thik hai. 

HE: Ruk Kabi ko bolta hun fir Pizza Hut ko call karta hun 

SHE: Ehh. Domino’s!

HE: Kya? Domino’s ka kaun khata hai.

SHE: Pizza Hut ka kaun khata hai. 😒

HE: Eh, police pakdta hai haan agar Domino’s se order kiya toh.

SHE: 😑 Chup chap Domino’s se order kar.

HE: Pizza Hut se karte hai na 😫

SHE: Domino’s 

HE: Pizza Hut

SHE: Rock Paper Scissors.

HE: Smokin’ Joe’s.. 🤔

SHE: Eh chal 😑

# Rock. Paper. Scissors

SHE: ✂️

HE: 📄

SHE: 😆

HE: Best of three! 🙁

SHE: Kuch best of three nahi!

HE: 😔 Kaisi hai tu.

 

— X —