SHENANIGANS
' ' ' I wanna be defined by the things that I love, not the things I hate, not the things I'm afraid of, the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think that, you are what you love ' ' ' — Taylor Swift
/* HIM & Kabi are in the living room and Anudeep is in the kitchen cooking */
/* They are watching India vs England cricket match & Moeen Ali is Batting. He is also working on HIS laptop at the same time */
/* Anudeep comes out of the kitchen & sits on the sofa next to HIM */
Anudeep: Arey yeh Hashim Amla England k liye khelne lag gaya!?
Kabi: Haan, usne transfer request dala tha na, bola "I want to win trophies man!"
Anudeep: Ohh! Aisaaa kya.
Anudeep: Aur chashma??
Kabi: Lasac karaya na who.
# HE is on his laptop, he looks up
HE: kuch bhi matlab! Moeen Ali hai wo!
Anudeep: Ohh, naam bhi badla kya usne??
HE: 😑
Kabi: shayad religion bhi badla hai usne. I think he's Muslim now.
Anudeep: Yeah, I think so too. I think he is.
HE: ….
HE: tum log ko kuch kaam dhanda nahi hai kya?
Kabi: nahi
Anudeep: bilkul nahi!
Anudeep: aur tu kya kaam kar ra hai?
# anudeep grabs his laptop
HE: Arey de na! Aisa kyun kar ra hai!
Anudeep: nahi pehle match dekh
HE: Areyy-
Anudeep: nahi pehle match dekh
HE: arey match dekh matlab kya! Dekh toh ra hun!
Anudeep: fir thik hai
# Anudeep gives him back his laptop & goes back into the kitchen
# HE gets back to work
# Kabi continues watching, slouching on the sofa
HE: You know what's the worst thing about Friday?
Kabi: What?
HE: Realizing its only Thursday 😁
Kabi: 😅 Kaun bola aisa?
HE: Original hai brooo!
Kabi: Ek hi chamaat diya na..
HE: 😁 Mere team me ek tester hai wo bola.
Kabi: Hmmm
HE: Areyy yaar!! 😔
Kabi: Kya hua?
HE: Subhe se debug kar raha hun yaar yeh prod issue! Kuch samajh hi nahi aa raha! 😣
Kabi: Logs check kar na fir.
HE: Kiya yaar, kuch nahi mil raha.
Kabi: Splunk me dekh
HE: Haan 😞 kuch nahi mil raha
Kabi: DevOps ko rop in karna fir..
HE: DevOps hi aa ke bola k yeh issue debug karna hai 😒
Kabi: Pffff 😄
HE: Why is life so hard man!! 😖
# Anudeep comes into the living room and stretches in laziness
# He sees Kabi slouching on the sofa, he keenly looks at him
Anudeep: Ek min uth toh..
Kabi: Kyun?
Anudeep: Idhar aa na ek baar..
Kabi: Kyun lekin?
Anudeep: Arey aa toh ek baar.
# Kabi get up and walks upto Anudeep
# Anudeep moves and stands next to him measuring the heights
Anudeep: Hmm 🤔
Kabi: Kya dekh ra hai?
# Anudeep slowly walks out and sits on the sofa
Anudeep: Kuch nahi rey.
Anudeep: Merko bas yeh sofa chaiye tha.
Kabi: 😒😒
HE: 😆
Anudeep: 😬 Ek beer leke aa na please 😗
Kabi: Madarchod 😒
# Kabi starts walking towards the kitchen
Kabi: Isliye nahi pat thi hai Janet tere se.
Anudeep: Usko bhi pata lengeeee!! Kya badi baat hai!
# Kabi walks out with two beers and sits on the sofa next to HIM
kabi: Ja na fir!! Mil na usko!
Anudeep: Yaar wo toh abhi Singapore me hai 😔
HE: Singapore me??
Anudeep: Haan.
HE: Mai bata ra hun uska singapore me koi chaava hai.
Anudeep (with an accent): Broooooo
# Anudeep just looks at HIM
Anudeep (with an accent): what do you mean 'chaava'?
HE: Chaava bole toh chaava 🤷🏼♂️
Anudeep: You mean, shaava shaava?
HE: Abeeeyyy! 😑
HE: Shaava shaava nahi.. Just chaava.
Anudeep: Par hota kya hai?
HE: 🤔 abhi kaise bolu terko... Chaava matlab..
HE: Abhi jaise ladke bolenge na, wo meri item hai, waise hi ladkiya bolti hai, wo mera chaava hai. Sooo, chaava is the equivalent of item.
Anudeep: Hey bhagwaan! Yeh kaunsi galliyon me raha hai tu!?
HE: Kabhi saddi gaali bhi aao!?
Anudeep: Tune kabhi bulaya hi nahi.
HE: Gupp bulleya!
Anudeep: Ab yeh bulleya kya hai?
HE: Jo tu hai.
Kabi: 😆
Anudeep: 😒 maar khane ka hai?
# Anudeep threatens to hit him
HE: Ehh majak mat kar! Lag jayega!
HE: Fir sorry bolte baitega, eh jor se laga kya!? Jor se laga kya? Sorry rey!
Anudeep: Madarchod! 😶
Anudeep: Waise bhi wo apni behen ki shaadi attend karne gayi hai. 😒
HE: Hmmmm 😏 Singapore and all haan!! Udhar move hone k baad toh hum log ko bhool hi jayega na tu.
Anudeep: Ehh kaam kar na chup chap! Bakwas karna hai
HE: Pchkk ☹️ bhook lag ra hai yaar.
# HE gets up and goes into the kitchen to find something to snack on.
# HE opens up cupboards one after the other and finds banana chips. HE starts munching on it.
HE: Eh Anudeep! Tere onions jal rahe hain!! Gas band kardu kya?
Anudeep: Arey wo jal nahi rahe hain..
# Anudeep gets up and goes into the kitchen. He opens the lid
Anudeep: Ise sautee karna bolte hain, chutiye 😒
# Anudeep adds green chillis
HE: Haan green chillis daal
# He then adds salt
HE: Barabar.
# Then adds coriander powder
HE: Hmmm taste toh Zaruri hai na 😏
Anudeep: kya?? coriander powder basic hai!
HE: Haan wo toh hai.
# adds garam masala
HE: Ehhh garam masala mat daal!
Anudeep: kyun? Yeh toh main hai!
HE: Pchkk!
HE: Mat daal na!
Anudeep: Arey??!
HE: Adaaa kaatilanaa adaaaaa mar-
Anudeep: Chup bhosadike!
# He goes ahead and adds garam masala
HE: Pchkk 😔
HE: kyun aisa karta hai tu?
Anudeep: Nikal idhar se, chal!
HE: Eh lavde ijjat se baat kar haan!!
# Anudeep tries to flick his nuts
# HE backs off shielding his crotch area
HE: Ehhhh! 😦 Ganda aadmi!
HE: FIR likhwa dunga tere against!
Anudeep: Toh ja, abhi likhwa!
HE: Abhi kon jayega bahar? Bhook laga hai bhai!
HE: Gareeb ko khana khila de na 🥺
Anudeep: Toh khana banane de na.
HE: Haan tu bana na! bindas bana!
HE: Mai dekhta hai kaun rokta hai tujhe
Anudeep: Thanks
HE: Anything for you bruh!
# Anudeep gets the chicken and starts marinating it
# Meanwhile Sid comes into the house and convinces Kabi to play FIFA with him
Sid: Jaldi choose karnaa kya time waste kar raha hai!
Kabi: Just a minute broo, legacy toh karne de tactics.
# The games kicks off, they both are in it.
# HE comes out of the kitchen
HE: Kabi, kabi.. Kabi! Bhosadike!
Kabi: Bolna gandu
HE: Gaali sunne ka hi reheta hai na tereko!? Beer khatam karna!
Kabi: Arey khatam hi hai, le ke aa na!
HE: Sid tere liye bhi na.
Sid: Yes bro!
# HE gets 2 beers from the fridge, comes in and hands them the beers and sits on the sofa
HE: Aur chutiye tu Dele Ali kyun liya?
Kabi: Arey nahi isme marta hai wo outside the box.
HE: Hain?
HE: Like Modric in 16?
Kabi: Exactly!
HE: Toh gandu maar na goal!
Kabi (gloating): Ohh, challenge and all huh! Okay okay, I got you bro, I got you!
# Rob Holding takes the ball away from Dele Ali, puts a through ball to Bukayo Saka.
# Saka uses his pace to beat Sergio Regulion, cuts in from the right and see Aubameyang making the run towards the far post.
# Saka makes the cross and Auba beats both Sanchez & Dier to score a powerful header past Lloris.
Kabi: Ho jata hai bhai, ho jata hai! Okay, okay.
HE: 🤣🤣
Sid: 😁
HE: Ruk, dekhne de merko. Solid goal tha!
# Kabi reaches for the chips
Kabi: Hmm, goal toh kadak tha!
Sid: Ab mai apni tareef kaise karun 🙂
Kabi: 😒 bhosadike.
Kabi (flustered): Aage kar game!
# Sid forwards the game
# The game kicks off again
Kabi: Abey wo lob through ball kaise karta hai tu??
HE: R1 🔺
Kabi: Okaaayyy!
# Kabi gets the ball from arsenal & gets in their final third but just isn't able to convert
HE: Abey tu Sid se haar ra hai bey! Shiii!
HE: Tu sid se haar ra hai. Wo jo kissi se nahi jeet ta.
Sid: 😅
Sid: Shi Kabi! Kitna gatiya hai tu 😁
Kabi: Chup lavde.
HE: 🤣
Sid: 😁
# Another chance goes begging
Kabi: ushhh!!! Just miss!
HE: Chup bhosadike!
Kabi: Just miss raaa! Just miss!!!
# Its 86' and he pauses the game for substitution
HE: Kya?? Tu substi-
HE: Shiii
Kabi: Abey Bergwin gaya hai! Aur Ali bhi thak chuka hai!
# HE look at the screen
HE: Kane ko nikal na
Kabi: Sun na bhai. Tu thoda sa jaa k gaand mara na!
HE: Shiii kitna gaanda baat karta hai tu!
Kabi: Madarchod! 😄
HE: Abey tu son ko kyun nahi khilaya?
Kabi: Injured hai na wo 🙁
# Kabi takes Bergwin & Ali out and brings in Winks & Lamela
# Kabi unpauses and the game continues
HE: Nahi ho payega bhai tumse. Rehene do
# Its 92' and Eriksen wins the ball from Xhaka in the mid field
# Nutmegs pepe and run with it, Kane and Lamela support him on the flanks and try to just stay on side.
# Eriksen gets to the box, passes to Lamela & Lamela makes a low cross beating David Luiz and Mustafi for Kane to tap it in by the far post
Kabi: Finally!
# Kabi desperately presses the next button and goes to kick off
# Tries to get the ball from arsenal and its time up 1-1
HE: Kaisaaaa loser hai bey tu! Sid ko nahi hara paya!
Sid: 😆
Kabi: Look, look!
Kabi: Ho jata hai-
HE: Chup bhosadike!
Kabi: Wo Son nahi tha na iske liye..
HE: Haan wo hota toh aur bura harta na
# Kabi gets a call from his mom, he picks up his headphones are gets off the sofa
Kabi: Ruk mai aata hun.
HE: Aur kya kiya tune pure din? Besides work!
Sid: Maine!? Badminton khelne gaya tha bas.
HE: Hmmm fitness and all huh 😏
Sid: Can you imagine how hot I'd look if I ate right and took care of my body?
HE: Aisi gandi cheezain mat socha kar.
Sid: I'm not gonna do it but can you imagine?
HE: Nahi, nahi soch sakta mai 😒
# Anudeep comes out of the kitchen
Sid: Jalta hai majnu!
Anudeep: Arey yaar yeh kiski shakal dekh li.
# He comes and sits on the sofa
Sid: Oh glad to see you too!
HE: Kya yaar itna kaam pada hai! 😫
Sid: Kya kaam ko leke rota reheta hai!.. Yaar merko kal gym me ek bandi mili 😃 I feel, kuch ho sakta hai hum log ka 😃
Anudeep: But teri toh already bandi hai na!! 😮
Sid: Kaun wo divorcee?
HE: Haan!! 😮
Sid: Haan wo chala nahi.
HE: Aur product Owner?
Sid: Product Owner ka kya? Wo toh Singapore me hai. That's just virtual love 😁
Anudeep: Kab tak yeh Emran Hashmi life jiyega!? Even Emran Hashmi doesn't live like Emran Hashmi!
Sid: Isi liye toh hum jeete hain 😏
HE: Single hi marega tu.
Sid: Broo I am single by choice okayy! I could easily get into a relationship tomorrow but I don’t.
HE: Itna bhi chaava nahi hai tu
Sid: Actually.. its harder to find “the one” these days cuz everything is so accessible.. you know what I am saying?
HE: No I dont know what you’re talking about 😑
Sid: Cuz think about it, if you wanna have sex just log onto your app, swipe right and voila, you have a date.
Sid: If you wanna get into a relationship just for the heck of it then just log onto your app, swipe right and voila, you have a relationship. Everything is at your fingertips these days.
Anudeep: Not everyone is as lucky as you.
Sid: Itna bhi difficult nahi hai haan!!! 😑
Anudeep (sheepishly): Haan thik hai mazak kar ra hun
Sid: Okay I’ll give you an example, tu mall jata hai, you find your favorite dress, fir bolta hai ‘yaar yeh acha hai lekin thoda aage bhi dekh lete hain’, you check out other stores and you do find better ones but you keep telling yourself the same shit aur end me you walk out empty handed telling yourself, yaar wo first wala hi le lena chaiye tha!
Anudeep: Ladkiyan karti hain aisa
Sid: Sabb karte hain bhai aisa!!
Sid: And the same thing is happening in relationships also! You like their company, you like spending time with them but then you get bored.. and then you tell yourself ‘I can probably find someone better, cuz there are soo many options!’ So you cut them loose and find someone better and the same cycle continues on and on.. until you’re disgusted with yourself.
Anudeep: Ab tu aise bolega toh-
Sid: Cuz it’s the truth broo 🤷♂️
HE: Aise maa ki saadi mat ghuseda kar argument me!
Anudeep (realizing): Arey mera chicken na jal jaye!
# Anudeep goes into the kitchen
Sid: Yaar merko kuch din pehele na ek cheez malum padi.
HE: Kya??
Sid: You know girls, they sometimes feel each others boobs?
HE: Really!?.. why?
Sid: I dont know, maybe they just want to see what they are competing against? 🤷♂️😁
HE: Lol 😄
Sid: Do you think gay people get an erection in gym locker rooms?
HE: 😄 Abey terko yeh sab sawal ate kahan se hain??
Sid: Kal aise hi hugne baita tha toh khayal aya 😁
HE: But why would they get an erection??
Sid: Cuz they’re seeing other naked dudes naa
HE: Ohhh, like that..
HE: Hmmm, I never thought of it man.
Sid: Toh socha kar fir!
HE: Haan, correct, global warming k baad yehi pressing issue hai
Sid: Bilkul
HE: Hold on, were you checking out other peoples dicks in your gym?
Sid: 😑 kuch bhi matlab
HE: Arey aisa mat soch, I support homosexuality.
Sid: Toh teri gaand marne de na.
HE: Shiiii, kitta ganda hai tu!!
Sid: 😁
# They all get done with dinner. HE finally goes to bed and calls HER up on FaceTime
# SHE is also in bed playing with HER phone, SHE picks up HIS call
SHE: Kya hua? You don't have any work or what?
HE: You know Disney beat earnings expectations yesterday.
SHE: Hain?
HE: Arey, you have Disney stocks na. Go check it.
# SHE checks her portfolio
SHE: Omg!
SHE: I'm rich!! 😃
HE: How much did you gain today?
SHE: Close to ₹4500
HE: Ehhh!! 😏 Richie Rich! Chal party de ab!
SHE: Thank you! 😋
SHE: How did you know it's going to go up today?
HE: Earnings beat kiya na. Quarter over quarter earnings were higher this time.
SHE: Ohhh! 😮
HE: Now next year your portfolio will be around ₹2 Lacs. Fir Thailand jayenge.
SHE: Kuch bhi matlab! Aur 2 Lacs kaise?
SHE: Aur Thailand hi kyun jana hai? Happy ending chaiye?
HE: Okay fine we'll go to Maldives.
SHE: No why did you say Thailand!?
HE: Acha thik hai Shirdi chale jayenge! 😒
HE: Bas irritate karwa lo.
SHE: Hehe, we should go to Disneyland!
HE: Disneyland? 😒
HE: Is budget me Goa ho jaye wohi badi baat hai.
SHE: Then let's go Goa.
HE: But last year only we went na..
SHE (thinking): Hmmm
# They both start thinking
HE: Terko besan ka laddu zyada pasand hai ya boondi ka?
HE: Ok, so-
SHE: No wait boondi ka
# HE gives HER a blank stare
# SHE's still thinking
SHE: Lekin merko besan bhi pasand hai
HE: Ehhhh!
# SHE looks at him
HE: So...
# HE licks his lips
HE: So...
HE: Terko laddu pasand hai na! Baki kya matter karta hai, hai na! 😊
SHE: Hain?? 😕 Yeh kya tha?
HE: Kuch nhi!! 😁
HE: Ganpati preparation.
SHE (questioning): Ganesh Chaturti 3 mahine pehele thi. Kaunsi preparation??
HE: Arey aise hi yaar 😔 Merko laddu khane ka mann ho raha tha toh maine socha ek baar tere se bhi puch lun terko kaunsa pasand hai, kal aate waqt wohi leke aa jaunga?
SHE: 😄 Toh tu kaunsa lane wala tha?
HE: Dono 😁
SHE: Tujhe bhi dono pasand hain?
HE: Haan 😅
# Aparna’s on a call with Utsav
Utsav: Really??
Aparna: Yeah but, sirf ek din k liye. I have a flight to Gorakhpur evening me hai toh office se hi nikal jaungi.
Aparna: If you can’t find time its fine, we can meet later.
Utsav: Tu dilli aye aur mai tujhe se na milu aisa ho sakta hai kya?
Aparna: Aadat daal lenge usme kya hai? 😁
Utsav: Yaar mom dad baat hi nahi karna chahte iss bare me toh mai kya karu ab?
Aparna: Chod de na 😄
Utsav (slightly livid): Fine. If that’s what you want. Khush reh!!
# silence
Aparna: I was actually thinking, things are finally starting to make sense. Maybe both of us are ready?!
Utsav: Toh mai hun na ready.
Aparna: Kitni dumb hun mai 😁
Utsav: Look I understand okay! It’s not like-…
Aparna (livid): What do you understand!!!?? If you did then-
Aparna (sighs): yaar kal baat karein??
Utsav: Look I’m trying everything, please understand?? But mummi baat hi badal deti yaar hai jab bhi teri baat karta hun.
Aparna: Don’t use your mom as an excuse!
Utsav: You think I’m making all of this up??!
# Slience
Utsav: Wow, Really!
Utsav: After all these years that’s how much you trust me!!?
Aparna: Look I’m exhausted and I’m honestly having a headache. Can we please talk tomorrow.
Utsav: Haaan, yeh sahi hai tumhara! Jab tumhe baat karni hai toh karo, nahi karni toh bas!
Aparna: Toh chod de na!!! I’m giving you the solution!!
Utsav (giving up): Kya kahun ab mai tujhe..
Utsav: I feel like that’s what you want.
Aparna (making a sly comment): Kitna smart game khelta hai yaar tu
Utsav: Game?
Aparna (quiet calmly): I don’t know what you’re thinking, but, if THIS.. whatever we have going on between us. If it means anything to you and if you actually want it.
Utsav: I do! Don’t you se-..
Aparna: Utsav.
# Silence
Aparna: It will require some effort.. from both of us.
# Silence
Aparna: Or you can just throw it away.
Utsav: Dekh. Aisa hai na, last week mere mama ne mujhe bataya ki-
Aparna: I don’t have the energy to argue right now.
Utsav: Argue nahi kar raha! kuch bata raha hun. Will just listen?
Aparna: You just decide, whether you want this or not?
#Silence
Aparna: Goodnight.
Utsav: Hello?
# Utsav looks at his phone for a second, thinks for a little bit then throws his phone on the bed in frustration
# The phone bounces and fall on the floor
# He stands there for a bit, dejected, then goes ahead and picks his phone
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